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Good grief…

I have continued to wake up at times recently believing I am somewhere I am not. While I do not wish to open up about the details, l have been left behind and dumped in alleys and dumpsters. For many years, my self-worth and the belief about my value was akin to rotten, putrid dumpsters and muddy alleys overgrown with weeds. There was a time when my life reflected as much, especially during the phases I would succumb to heavy self-medication.

I have been wandering around for days feeling as if I am wrestling with things I cannot see, touch, or even feel. It is not depression, because I have spent much of my life there and know how that plays out.  It is not quite anxiety, because I have lived under that blanket of fear for decades and I was comfortable with that blanket without even knowing it. I am not curled up in the bathroom floor sucking on a tissue box and twisting a towel in a state of despair. I have been asking myself and God what the heck is going on, because this feels unfamiliar and strange.

God has gotten quiet these days and I decided I wanted to try to be still. Yet, the more still I have been trying to be, the more raging something on the inside started to feel.

After the kids were put to bed, my husband and I were picking up toys and chattering about our days. Something overcame me and I couldn’t even stand anymore. I ended up on the floor, clutching some toys, and weeping in a way I have never wept. I heard the sound of a wild animal, not realizing it was me. At first, I thought everything that God had been doing within me was coming undone and I had such a sense of bewilderment in the midst of those tears. But, something felt different. Something felt clean.

When that emotional tidal wave started to calm, my husband just held me quietly in his arms for a while. There are times when my husband blows my mind with his insights and words of wisdom; this was one of those times. He started a discussion on grief and dying to the self as he pointed out, “You have never grieved over that little girl in the alley.”

He is right. I have been caught up under the darkness and suffocation of trauma for much of my life. The need to run away from anything and everything has chased me around for so long, I never got still and quiet enough to allow God to walk me through the kind of grief my soul has needed to experience. There was a time when I would turn to anything but God in order to deal with the heavy baggage. I have been obsessive-compulsive, I have withdrawn, my mouth has been sealed, my eyes were blinded, I have been paralyzed with fear, I have had control issues, I have had phases of heavy self-medication, and I built a giant wall around me to keep out the pain.

I did not realize what a prisoner behind that wall I became; I couldn’t even reach God from that place, let alone anyone else. My wall has crumbled and collapsed. It is time to step over the ruins of my prison and into something new.

Right now I am stuck on some delicate tree branches, trying to be still and take deep breaths. Instead of continuing to identify myself as a rotten dumpster or a muddy alley, I am going to let God be quiet and hold my hand. I keep finding myself sobbing out of the blue, but it feels clean. When someone is grieving all they really want is comfort from the grief. All someone really needs to wade through grief is a warm hand to hold and, more often than not, silence. Even if there is weeping and the sound of wild animals filling the room, being still and experiencing a quietness can be cleansing.

Psalm 23:1-6

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. …

24 thoughts on “Good grief…”

  1. we all must move forward from the past. We must grieve what we lost, offer thanks for what we received, and realize that our path may have been long and winding, lined with shattered glass and got coals, we may have walked it barefoot with a heavy load on our shoulders, but it was ours, and the Lord has used it and will continue to use it for our glory… We are blessed for our burdens and fear draws us closer to Christ.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Praise God for your deliverance from the prison of the past. We are grateful that you have reached this place in life where all things are truly new. In sharing your emotions other can see that it is ok to just let go and let God begin the healing process in our lives. Every step now is in newness of life filled with promise and purpose. God is faithful to anoint and equip the called. We are so excited fro you and also so very grateful that God has given you such a wonderful husband to share your journey. God bless you both in Jesus Mighty Name, Yeshua HaMishaich be praised!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Interesting…working on a draft for a post on trust, using part of Psalm 23. I also did one on grieving a couple of years ago, still in my list, if you care to see it.

    Grief is a necessary passage. We are not supposed to live there, but we have to go through it. It may be for a moment, it may be for a day, it may take some more time. But we have to go through it. The Lord is with us the whole way.

    You have a good man, by the way…but I am sure you know that.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Would love to read it!! I will go snooping around your list!

      The actual letting go process might actually be harder than a lot of the other things we go through, but there is a purpose for it! I am going to walk this out carefully and ensure I am not here long, but God’s timing is always better than mine!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. A few years ago I was at a Christian women’s retreat. I ended up writing a poem after an experience I had there. I would like to share it with you. I hope it speaks to you. May you be blessed on your journey.

    The Candidate
    I’m so alone, I’m scared, I’m tired.
    Desperately dragging, carrying, and stacking my rocks –
    my pride, my fears, my sins – too terrible to speak out loud.
    Gotta build that wall, can’t let it down.
    I can feel a river coming.
    I just know I’m gonna drown if it breaks through my wall.
    Gotta hang on to me!
    It’s gonna wash away all I know and leave me with nothing familiar.
    All of me, who I am, what I know, would be gone and them what?
    It’s coming…..I can feel it….the ground trembles….the air is heavy….
    IT’S HERE!!!
    What now Lord? What now?
    It’s over…..
    I’m cold, scared, alone.
    A gentle whisper, the smell of spring, soft grass, swaying trees…
    The Voice
    So sweet, so quiet, so gentle, so soft…
    “My Child….I’m here….I love you.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. I have goosebumps so hard right now. I always joke that God talks to me with all these goosebumps I get. My husband knows I am moved passionately if my goosebumps are perking! TEARS! THANK YOU! I am so thankful you shared this with me. I used to write poetry all of the time, but it was so morbid and broken. But, this poem is raw and it is real and it speaks to me about how Jesus Christ truly does understand the pain we carry and His compassion is so near to us. I will be reading this poem again and again. This was a gift to my heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I have held tightly to the words of Solomon in Ecclesiastes. “There is a time to grieve…” Your post made me well up with emotion as I can relate to grieving for who we used to be. It almost seems like our tears knock down the walls of our fortress of fears, pain, and loss. Thank you for sharing so openly that grief really is good.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like the idea of our tears tearing down the fortress!! Tears of steel and might, cleansing and demolishing all that holds us prisoner to loss and robbing us of the ability to just live. Grief really is a good thing for us to walk through, otherwise we get stuck. Deep losses (like you have experienced) are so intense that we truly need people to stick around and walk with us through the grief. Yet, that is when most people seem to flee. I have not yet understood that.

      Like

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