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Blue lights to white…

There are details of certain things in my life I wish to be truly careful in sharing from this platform.  I was not going to share what I have written about this one, because there are a lot of details in my life I wish to leave with Jesus.  However, something was pressing me toward this for a while and I have been sitting on this and praying about it.  I have had tears on my cheeks just typing this out.  A couple of times, I had to stop and ask my husband to pray for me in order to keep writing.

In late 2001, while experiencing a deep depression in which my mind was being bombarded with haunting memories of the past and the crushing pain of infertility, I sought out a doctor to get help.  After a visit or two, I was started on medication.  That medication led to another medication, then another medication, and then another medication.  Before I had a clue what was going on, I found myself overly medicated on about eight different prescriptions.  I became a zombie; I shuffled when I walked, I could barely sign my own name, I slurred when I spoke, and I was completely and totally out of my mind.  At the time, I had no concept of side effects and the impact of being prescribed such a dangerous combination of pills.  I was diagnosed yet again with post-traumatic stress, but I was also given some other labels that did not belong to me at all.  The prescriptions then became a chaotic bingo game of pill combinations and the results of that were devastating.

I was supplied with months worth of nine to ten different prescription combinations.  I am talking heavy anti-psychotic meds combined with several anti-anxiety meds further combined with several different antidepressants.  I saw myself in the mirror one day and had absolutely no recognition of the dead girl staring back at me.  My eyes were dark and void of life, my mouth was stuck in a painful looking grimace, and my body was bloated as a result of the damage happening to my liver and kidneys.  I felt like the walking dead and I was isolated from any kind of healthy support system.  The last thing I remember is weeping while I asked God to forgive me for what I was doing and I watched from a distance as handfuls of pills were coming toward my mouth.

I still keep those prescription receipts and the ambulance details from the results of that in a manila envelope quite loudly labeled “Do Not Throw Away”.  I think I needed to keep those papers in order to prove to myself that something, somewhere went wrong and I was most likely caught in the trap of someone’s medical practice on a level I still do not understand.  There were two police officers who were monumental in saving my life that night so long ago.  Those two wonderful men in blue sat at the hospital, waiting for word on whether or not I would survive.  For hours, there was the very real fear and expectation that I was going to pass away.  So, those two men took off their badges to wait.

There really is no explanation as to how I could have survived such a deadly act.  When I was shown the empty contents of pill bottles, pill boxes, and pill wrappers I was completely numb to it.  If you know anything at all about anti-psychotics, antidepressants, and anti-anxiety medications…well, you already know how deadly one bottle can be.  I had gone so far above and beyond what needed to be done and it is truly of miraculous proportions that I am sitting in front of my computer typing any of this out.

I had visions somewhere in the darkness, in the midst of it, of hovering over myself in that hospital room and seeing a man weeping as he watched over my bed.  That vision has haunted me for years and it haunts me today.  I do not know how to explain seeing myself hooked up to tubes, looking down at the bloated body that was supposed to be mine, and watching some unknown man sobbing over me.  It was as if I were stuck with Velcro to the ceiling and seeing the comings and goings of nurses and doctors for a brief period of time before falling into a place that was pitch black and silent.

My recovery after that was a battle in ways that I cannot now articulate.  I can attest to how little compassion medical professionals demonstrate toward the “likes of someone like me”.  I was once the patient and then I became the professional, watching at the end of the hospital bed.

People are cold and full of scorn toward those who suffer so deeply on the inside.  I was rejected by people I cared about.  I was rejected by mental health professionals.  I was even rejected by a group at a church when I tried to reach out for help.  I believe this goes completely against the compassion our Lord Jesus Christ demonstrated during His ministry and on the cross when He became our ransom.

That kind of judgment and contempt contributed to my mindset when I nearly and successfully made the decision to try to ‘finish the job’ on a couple of other devastating occasions.  This is not a statement of blame by any means.  It is just the reality of what those who suffer in this way actually carry around with them.

About ten years ago, I wrote a poem about my experience with the particular physician responsible for prescribing those pills all those years ago; Outlined in Blue Lights:

Towering building, outlined in blue lights,
Like a tomb, a resting place for the girl she used to be.
She took one step inside,
And it took everything that was left of her.
The healer brought her to the edge and propelled her over,
He left her dangling there and walked away, never looking back.
The towering building, outlined in blue lights,
A constant reminder of a life that was nearly destroyed;
Resuscitation, life support, a hollow mind,
A broken body, a weakened soul…
The wrong doses, the wrong combination, the wrong method…
Everything went wrong.
‘I want to help you,’ he said,
But he wrote a prescription for disaster instead,
As if he knew all along.
The towering building, outlined in blue lights,
I remember who she was just before she stepped inside.
She didn’t come out the same, if she made it out at all.
Her blood, sweat, and tears remain as stains
Forever imprinted on his hands.

For a few years after that ordeal I was stuck seeing that building, where the doctor used to have his office, every time I drove along the highway.  It was a bank building in the Valley and it was lit up in an outline of blue lights.  Just the sight of it would send me into sobs and I would break and cry and plead with God.

One evening, while driving home after caring for a hospice patient, I noticed the skyline had gone dark.  The blue lights were not there!  I heard a praise song come on the radio completely by chance, because I had been listening to an album that suddenly quit playing.  The song was “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me.  Whew, did I have quite a break down in the car that night!  I almost couldn’t stand the crushing weight of it all.  I believed that God could never and would never forgive me.  I even shouted out, “Can You ever forgive me, God? Have I done the unforgivable act? Have I turned Your Spirit against me?”

All of a sudden, something along the periphery of the highway caught my eyes.  It was a large cross lit up in white lights.  It had not been there before!  Where the horizon used to haunt me and taunt me with blue lights, I was presented the gift of seeing this huge cross, lit up and radiant in the night sky.  I had to pull my vehicle over to the side of the road in order to weep and pray and weep some more as I stared up at that big, white cross.  The church who had constructed that cross will never, ever know what a huge blessing it was to me that night.

It truly felt as if the Jesus Himself were letting me know, “I Am here! I Am here!”

Isaiah 41:13 

For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

**If you are feeling suicidal, there is help: SUICIDE.ORG has resources.

This post appears in the book: Shattered in Him  © 2016 JD Mays

48 thoughts on “Blue lights to white…”

  1. It’s significant that what you saw were blue lights. They were lights. Probably underneath, they were white lights, but they were filtered to alter your perception.

    These are like the lies of Satan. He uses filters over the light to deceive us into thinking that we aren’t good enough, have enough, or measure up enough to be loved, even loved by God. He deceives us into thinking that our worth is measured by others, when all along we should base our worth and value on how God sees us.

    God could have discarded us, but he didn’t. He is crazy about us. He loved us so much that even before we were ever born he arranged to sacrifice himself for us so that we could know him. Even though he knew we would believe the lies, betray him, and fall deep into the trap of sin he had plans for us beyond our wildest dreams.

    You aren’t the first, only, or last to fall into Satan’s trap. We all have. Each of us have different outcomes from what we’ve done or believed. But our worth should come from God, the one who forgives us in spite of it all.

    I’m so glad you were able to find the truth and be set free with it! You are an inspiration for those who are fighting to overcome!

    Liked by 6 people

    1. I like the image of the veil being lifted and the true Light shining in. The adversary certainly knows how to bait the hook in order to keep us in bondage to the things that bring death instead of life. Thankfully, Jesus paid the ransom to set us free and into life! Thank you so much for the encouragement today!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Indeed you are His Glory. He came to salvage. He does a great job. Look at you, yes a great deal had to be chipped away, okay, fine. That’s all gone, the you that is here now has gone through that battlefield. Left behind all the casualties which were held hostage, torments, mockers, but through it all His hand, His imparted gift of faith grew in luster, grew in luster.
    Look at you, how you write. His Spirit is mighty in you. Continue, don’t stop, many will be encouraged, will continue, and just like you, they will come out the other side victorious.
    I don’t know you. I’m proud to meet you. But yes. of course this is the you He fashioned, while accompanying you in the furnace.
    Thank you.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Hey JD, I’ve been wanting to comment on your posts, but truth be told, I am lost for words. Words that you probably have heard time and time again. So I pray this little poem will help some in stilling that voice in your heart.

    Be Still O my Voice

    Be still O my voice
    Be silent to hear
    Be quiet in peace
    So I can come near
    Be generous, be kind
    Do not confuse the heart or mind
    Be gracious, speak free
    Let me know more about thee
    Be open, speak truth
    To my soul in it’s youth
    Never fear, little one
    For the time has come
    To hear the Word
    Let it wash away the tear
    Let it still the fear
    Let it calm the storm
    In your heart so near
    Let it give you comfort
    In your days of trials
    Let the Word of God
    Be your light to stay your fright
    Hear me my child
    The still voice in the night
    Be still, be still
    And know that I am God

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Whew! You have no idea what confirmation you just brought into an area that God is impressing upon me to take to heart; stillness. He has been walking me through letting go of my anxieties and learning to rest in Him with quiet stillness. Wow. Thank you!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your Welcome. I feel truly blessed that it was what you needed to hear and that it blessed you. I pray you and your family continue your journey in the comfort of God’s word, that it brings everlasting peace and strength. God Be With You and Yours from here to eternity.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand Shattered in Him, I was wrongly diagnosed with Bipolar when I was in my early thirties, they later found out I had Hashemotoes, a Thyroid disorder, but I suffered for many years and yes also with the stigmatization of being Mentally ill and than being rejected because of it. I no longer take Bipolar Medication, or do I have fear or panic attacks, or hallucinations etc but I remember the feeling of helplessness, of not being Loved and the wanting to end it all too.

    The Stranger, Shattered in Him, who cried because of your suffering was Jesus, this man shed His tears, felt His grief, prayed to The Father for you.

    Christian Love Always – Anne.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I think it is common for people, especially those with any kind of post trauma, to be misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder or even a personality disorder. It is unfortunate, but thankfully there are doctors out there who know how to catch it with a very skilled eye and correct it!

      Like

  5. Your vulnerability and willingness to share this frightening experience may save a life. Honestly, I know a girl who was put on about 20 meds. She was zombie like and not herself. I helped her get a new Doctor and slowly, my friend is returning. It’s horrible that any Doctor would prescribe that many meds. Then, the stigma you got for what you were struggling against – there is no excuse. You needed help, not judgment. I’m proud of you for putting your story out there. God uses ALL things for His glory. May God bring many, who are living with the numbness and side effects of meds, to this post. Love and Hugs!! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I honestly believe it is a form of malpractice and doctors should be held extremely accountable and liable. Thankfully, there are other doctors out there who are now Eagle-eyeing the signs of a patient being thrown too many pills and stepping in to clean up the messes.

      I will pray for your friend! I lost a great amount of my hearing and wear hearing aids now, due to the toxic properties of the medications. My liver and kidneys almost shut down completely. Hopefully the long-term effects will not harm or hinder your friend!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. She’s in pretty poor health right now, but I got her into a functional medicine Doctor and I am so excited to see the direction she is taking my friend. God is good! Thank you for your prayers. You’re a sweetheart!

        Liked by 2 people

  6. You know what’s more shattering is Church rejecting people who are in need.
    One of my cousin goes through depression and she is under treatment. She is tough and sometimes speaks unnecessary things but church ignoring her was a shock to me.
    Hope churches graduate from their Luke warm style.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Our churches need to be prayed over and we need more compassionate ministries to rise up and reach the hurting. I have heard this statement, word for word, “This probably is not the place for you. God bless your search for the right one.” The sad part was, I wasn’t acting ‘crazy’ or being inappropriate. I was legitimately seeking prayer and counsel at a time when wisdom and direction was missing in my life.

      Liked by 3 people

  7. Why are you not responding to my Comments Shattered in Him, it’s not just been once but quiet a few times now, would you like others not to respond to your comments or if I hadn’t done so, a like is not a response when it’s not genuine. When we hurt others we end up hurting ourselves.

    If you have a reason for ignoring my Comments please contact me so we can resolve what ever motivated you not to, you will find my e-mail address if you edit my Comment.

    Blessings – Anne.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have responded to some of the comments you have shared in other posts and expressed my appreciation. It is not always possible for me to get to everything when I would like to, but I do use the ‘like’ button to acknowledge that I am reading them. And, God knows my heart is, in fact, genuine. There is nothing I enjoy more than interacting with others on here and in other places. I believe God can use this platform to create fellowship. In fact, my husband and I both have been reading the verses you have been sharing. If you are referring to any comments on your own blog, it may be because I am not getting the notifications of response.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is politeness and shows genuine interest to respond to those who take the time to Comment Shattered in Him, regardless of how many times they do respond to your Posts or Comments unless it’s just an acknowledgment of your reply, as I said before; would you want your comments ignored by others. If it had only been once I would not have worried and yes God knows my heart too and He takes the time to listen and respond to all of us, He knows rejection hurts.

        I do not personally and others have said the same, accept a “like” as a response, this was added by WordPress for there own reasons, yes I use it now but respond too when others Comment.

        If WordPress are not sending my replies to you than you need to contact them and ask why, it may be the same with others who are responding to your Comments on their Blogs. I didn’t know that WordPress where not sending my replies until you told me, I will also contact them and ask why.

        Christian Love and Blessings – Anne.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for your responses now to my other Comments Shattered in Him, perhaps you feel I over reacted and perhaps I may have to some degree but having been ignored and deleted by others whom I thought were Blogging Friends and with some slandered too, it has now lead me to ask why they have done this to me and it has been beneficial in the past but of course not with all of them. God tells us to resolve differences not ignore them, Thank you for doing so.

        God bless you as you Minister to others in His Name – Anne.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Yes, it is politeness and genuine interest. We have been on the road recently with a lot going on. And, as I said before, it is not always possible for me to respond to everything when I would like. I sincerely hope you are able to understand that. I gladly take the time to interact as I am able. The whole purpose for even being here is to fellowship.

      I actually do take the time to read verses when people share them and I do pray over everyone I have come into contact with on this platform, even if it is not being publicly acknowledged. At times, especially when writing and sharing on a topic that is and has been personally devastating to me, I also feel the need to pause and meditate before coming back to it for the reasons in Ecclesiastes 4:6 -“Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind.”

      I experienced such a night and a morning and I needed some quiet time to grieve with God. I am currently working hard to catch up and ensure that I have reached out and acknowledged all who have taken the time to share in this journey with me.

      May God bless you this day and for all days as we all join together to encourage one another and lift one another up with prayer, thanksgiving, and supplication.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. She’s got two kids in diapers and a husband that gets cranky and hopped up on Halloween candy. As you can tell she spends a lot of time responding to people who are giving her prayer requests and on people who comment her blogs.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. What a testimony! I’m glad you’re now in a place to bask in his grace, mercy & rest. My prayer is that you will continue to do so, in all that you
    do, & in all that you have yet to face. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Well, I can see from the enormous comment section how much you have touched others with this difficult, honest piece. What a blessing you are! The song was a favorite of my friend Cheryl, who died of cancer at 44. She no longer has to imagine! Your story is chock full of the action at work above our heads (2 Kings 6:17). As I study the armor of God, I am increasingly convinced that earth is in her final act, and that the battle waged above us is at fever pitch. Praise God for your delivery and for those you will deliver through your message! “We are tearing down fortresses, and every lofty thing that raises itself up against the knowledge of God. And we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ!” (2 Corinthians 10:4,5)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Whoa. I just got goosebumps. I have been meditating on that verse for the last 24 hours as I combat the battle in the mind. There are some painful aspects to being transparent, yet it is also freeing. In the healing there is grief, yet the temptation to dwell and fall into the pity trap. So, I have been chewing on that verse all day to come against any part of my thoughts or attitudes that do not glorify the Lord. Thank you so much.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. love your kindred spirit and your delicious metaphors! There is mighty power in the Word! Here’s a little confection, courtesy of Sir Francis Bacon: “Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.”

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Hello again! 🙂 This time I’m thanking you for the follow on tellingitlikeitis. I don’t want to bore you with thanks for the connection etc etc as I’ve already thanked you for two other follows! I do so appreciate the connection though and am really excited to read more of your writing. Your faith is so strong and that is a real blessing to me. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is never boring when we can encourage one another to hold strong in our faith! God needs us to do that for each other. But, I understand how redundant it starts to feel when we just want to keep saying “thank you, thank you” to someone. I want to say those things ALL THE TIME to so many!! 😀 So, THANK YOU!

      Like

    1. I know exactly what you mean about that kind of pain. What other people call selfish is actually some severely rooted pain that is too unbearable to withstand. I’ve been called selfish and a few other things because of my attempts on my own life. I say that the person who has not been there, who does not know that kind of torment, should just consider themselves blessed and move along. Because, you know what is actually selfish? Judging someone for having lived through any kind of horror and trauma that would bring about the depths of this kind of pain. Little do people realize, the tormented ones are the very people that Jesus Christ pours His compassion over. So, if they judge us and toss stones, they are actually judging Him and throwing rocks at Him. I find comfort in knowing that one day He is going to make all of this right for you, for me, and for all of the other wounded sheep out there.

      Thank you for sharing that, because people DO need to wake up and realize that there is real hurt behind these things. Maybe if everyone could wake up enough and start having some compassion, we could start preventing this and getting families healed. I read one of the posts you wrote about PTSD and put it up on the FB page. The FB page is brand-new (a little nudge had me do it after trying to resist the little nudge) and I wanted a place to start sharing the words of those who move me; from crafts, to silly stories, to hurts, to triumphs, and to issues like PTSD and suicide….https://www.facebook.com/shatteredinhim/

      I cannot wait to read your memoir!! And, I am very, very grateful you survived, too. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  11. I thought I went through some pretty dark days until I read your story. I’ve trusted in God since I was little. At twelve I asked Jesus into my heart. He’s been a huge help through the rough times. It sounds like you’re doing well now, but we both know Satan won’t stop interfering in our lives. Thank you for following my blog and I’m returning the favor.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the re-blog. Yes, there were some very dark days. Thankfully, those days are behind. But, yes, there will always remain warfare aimed at the heart, mind, and soul! I like hearing about others who came into a relationship with Him at a young age. 🙂

      Like

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